Naked Fairies in Ocarina of Time

The main draw of Ocarina of time is that it gave us a 3D version of the Zelda world and characters we know and love. That includes the special fairies, and this is where stuff started getting weird.

Pretty much all of the Great Fairies are entirely naked except for a handful of leaves. They are more scantily-clad than Poison Ivy in the Arkham games, all in a game designed for young children.

Too bad they already used the title “Link’s Awakening,” because we can only imagine these fairies were a sexual awakening for some of the weirder gamers out there.

Robot Voyeurism in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

The Paper Mario games are generally as family-friendly as Mario’s other titles. But The Thousand-Year Door just had to throw in a robot that loves to spy on naked women!

When Peach is imprisoned, she has a robot, TEC-XX, as her overseer. The robot watches while she takes a shower and falls in love with Peach, telling her that he “nearly overheated at your image.”

It’s meant to be a compliment, but the robot is basically saying he will help you escape because he loved seeing you naked. Not even Bowser became a sex pest in these games, and he has spent the entire franchise kidnapping the same woman over and over again!

Sexy Conga Line in Kung-Fu

Kung-Fu is one of the blandest and most boring games ever made. But that doesn’t mean developers couldn’t sneak something weird into the game.

Despite the “kung-fu” word right in the title, enemies mostly attack by running into you and grabbing you. If more enemies attack, they simply grab the dude in front of them. And just like that, this martial arts game turns into a conga line of dudes grabbing each other’s butts.

Crotch On Display in Streets of Rage 3

Streets of Rage 3 admittedly pushes the boundaries of a “family-friendly game.” There isn’t much in the way of blood or gore, but the game does feature ample cartoon violence against caricatures of thugs and gangsters.

Still, most of the fighting is good, clean fun. But the character Blaze has a weird feature: pretty much every single attack involves exposing her crotch to the enemy. Unless she’s auditioning to kick off a new “Simps of Rage” spinoff, the “every attack is a creepshot” decision makes no real sense.

Masturbation Jokes in Banjo-Kazooie

On paper, Banjo-Kazooie is one of the most family-friendly games Rare ever made. After all, it features talking cartoon animals navigating a colorful world of adventure.

But Kazooie sneaks in some weird sexual jokes in several different areas. My favorite is when she sees an Ice Key in a bonus ending and blurts out “I know where I’d like to stick that!”

It’s a fun game, but I could have gone my whole life without discovering Kazooie’s plans to unlock her own door after the credits roll.

Naughty Helpers in Ring King

Generally speaking, we try to be delicate about describing these naughty bits. But the game Ring King took things too far, and there is no subtle way to describe what happened next.

Between rounds, you have a helper to get you ready to fight. But while Punch-Out had Doc tapping your shoulder, this game has helpers that...well...they seem to be giving oral sex to your fighter while kneeling before him.

Maybe this wasn’t the intention of the programmers. But it’s basically impossible to look at this and see anything other than some very public sexual acts.

The Bathroom Stalking in Mega Man Legends 2

As a little boy turned heroic robot, Mega Man is a very wholesome figure. But Mega Man Legends 2 turned him into a bit of a pervert.

At one point, Mega Man is warned that Roll is taking a bath. You can opt to peek in at her, causing Roll to yell at the intrusion.

Worst of all is the happy gesture Mega Man makes and the heroic music. The game goes out of its way to make sure you know peeking at women while they bathe is acceptable and normal.

Naked Butts in River City Ransom

Despite the violence at its core, River City Ransom is mostly family-friendly. And all the characters look like big cartoon sprites straight out of Saturday morning.

But if you visit the “Health Club” in the game, you can make your dude enter the sauna, giving you a powerful view of his naked 8-bit ass. The weirdest of all is that you have to pay $3.50 in-game currency to do this, so the real pixel perverts had to grind to keep taking a look.

Hidden Naked Lady in Kirby’s Dream Land 2

Kirby is pretty much the poster child for clean Nintendo fun. And that makes it all the more impressive that developers snuck a naked lady into Kirby’s Dream Land 2.

On the final stage of Red Canyon, Kirby must navigate some floating platforms. Look closely, and you’ll see the platforms form a woman, complete with a smiling face, breasts, and private parts pointing to a special door you must enter. This is pretty much what Georgia O’Keeffe would have done if she made video games instead of paintings.

Naked and Confused in Rampage

What do you think about when you think about playing Rampage? Most of us just remember the thrill of a “King Kong vs. Godzilla” fight that you could play out from the safety of your bedroom.

But when your monsters take enough damage, they shrink down into naked humans. And these humans are ashamed of their nudity, hiding their naughty bits as they shuffle off the screen.

Not the most titillating thing in the world, but it’s a safe bet this nudity made some young gamers deal with an entirely different kind of monster. Inside their pants, that is.

Nabooru the Child Predator in Ocarina of Time

Part of the fun of Ocarina of Time is jumping back and forth between Link as a child and Link as a teenager. But the character of Nabooru ends up making the whole thing weird.

When child Link helps her out, she promises to “do something great for you.” Help her again as teenage Link and she’ll call you handsome and lament that “I should have kept the promise I made back then.”

It sure seems like Nabooru wants to jump a teenager’s bones, which is already problematic. Worse, she was planning to do so even when he was much younger!

Nudity in Rings of Power

Most of the horny moments from this list are mostly implied. Leave it to Naughty Dog to ditch all the subtlety when it came to their game Rings of Power.

Most of the game is a family-friendly fantasy RPG, and the title screen with a clothed woman fits right in. But you can plug in a second controller and put in a cheat code to ditch her clothes entirely.

Does this make her nipples the real “rings of power?” The world may never know.

Valentina’s Large, Jiggling Breasts in Super Mario RPG

For the most part, the Super Mario RPG is as family-friendly as other titles featuring Mario and his crew. But there are two very big, very bouncy exceptions to this!

The character of Valentina is presented with giant breasts whenever you are in combat. And the breasts in question are constantly moving and jiggling.

Don’t get any ideas, Mario. Your motorboating license is in another castle!

Necrophilia in Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)

The 2006 Sonic the Hedgehog is notoriously bad, but it’s also meant to be family-friendly. Which is what makes the kissing scene that much weirder.

If you don’t know, the scene involves the human Elise bringing Sonic back to life with a kiss. This is basic fairy-tale stuff, but it involves a human making moves on a dead animal without any kind of consent.

It’s a terrible lesson about romance and desire. But what else were you expecting from such an awful game?

Samus in a Bikini

While it’s tame compared to some of the things on this list, the original Metroid is an early offender in gaming history. That’s because the game encourages repeat play through a kind of slow-motion striptease.

The most basic ending of the game reveals Samus with her back to you. But beating the game faster and faster will reveal endings where she faces you, another with her helmet off, and another with her in a skintight suit. Beat the game in under an hour and you get to see her in a bikini.

Did anyone ever try just throwing some bills at Samus instead of playing again?